Monday, May 12, 2014

When life gives you S@8#!

So I've been in a black hole-somewhere between hanging by a thread and trying to stay afloat.  On March 6, I was involved in a situation at work where my safety was threatened in a pretty severe way.  Of course I can't talk about it much (which is problematic for a "feeler" like me who has to talk to process).  In all my years as a social worker, I've never felt what I did that day.  I've sat face to face with kids who have in cold blood killed another person, but never was I afraid or felt threatened.  On March 6, I was afraid-we believe that someone had full intentions of hurting me if they could have found me.  I walked in the door at home that night after a heart wrenching discussion with my boss and by the time I got in the door, I fell to pieces in tears.  The poor Nanny was probably completely caught off guard, but the moment I saw my two precious girls I was broken.  A thousand questions raced through my mind.  So for two months now, I have been an emotional wreck.  The situations at work just keep coming and I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder at my surroundings.  I've had to sit in meetings and retell my story over and over and over.  And as I said earlier, I'm a "feeler".  I have to think and then talk, and do that over and over until I've processed fully my thoughts/emotions.  My supervisor tells me I have to stop stressing so much about it, but each day I return to work I have to deal with it again.  You don't really know the impact your career choice has on you, until someone questions you and your judgement or attacks your professional license.  I know I did everything I was supposed to do and did it very well, but it doesn't change the fact that people question.  People see and hear what they want to. 

At the same time all of this is going on, Big Daddy was under the most stress of his professional career in a new position with unrealistic demands placed on him.  SK had surgery on her ear and in typical fashion, it didn't quite go as planned.  Baby K was under weight and we were back and forth to the specialist in Greenville.  More bills came in the mail each day and it felt like we were drowning.  The dates with each other were less and less and any time we had together was usually when we were sleeping.Each day, it was like more and more crap was piling up on us and it was harder and harder to survive.  I would go to church and hear very pointed sermons where I felt like God was speaking to me, (our new minister preached an awesome sermon on how suffering leads to endurance which leads to character which leads to hope) but I would go home and somehow no matter what I heard I just couldn't believe those words.  We were beat down.

But last week, I had sort of an aha moment.  I was giving K a bath before bedtime.  I was getting ready to scrub the nasty cradle cap off her head and she looked at me with a very serious face.  I looked at her and said, "what is wrong...why are you so serious?"  and before I knew it, she looked up at me, and I realized that there was poop floating to the top of the bath water-and a lot of it.  and then she GIGGLED-the loudest giggle she has ever done.  And in that moment, I laughed and suddenly I realized, no matter how much S@*#  life gives us, sometimes the best thing you can do is giggle.  I need to stop stressing so much and laugh a lot more. Some expert somewhere said that laughter is the best medicine and they must be on to something.   And so with that, a new day has dawned in our house.  (and yes, she got another bath after the first bath!) 

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