#therealselfie

My sister has one of those friends who, despite having two children, manages to take/send/upload selfies almost everyday. Of course she is always dressed to the nines and looking gorgeous doing fabulous things. My sister has taken to forwarding aforementioned selfies to my phone so I too can be party to her escapades. Being the snarky smart*% that I am, one Saturday morning I couldn't help myself but to send back some of my own selfies in all my day to day glory. Enjoy.

Looking sexy as I feed my 9 month old. Nothing says "HAWT" like a no makeup-still-in-my-pajamas  

mama.

Scarfing down the last of the kids' sausage balls. Because nothing says "breakfast" like an hours old ice cold sausage ball.

Because this is how I chop onions. That's right I have abandoned all dignity in the hopes of not crying-at least over the onions anyway.

 Yep. No french maid costume here! I'm still in my pajamas. Only now I'm cooking lunch. And what's for lunch you ask?

It's Spongebob Kraft Mac and Cheese. Because it's that kind of day. You know the one where you just give in and cook the most processed-dye containing-commercialized crap product that you can find because you know your kids will eat it.

 I believe this one needs no explanation.

And the end to a perfect day? Sneaking a beer in my driveway. In my bathrobe. I'm sure my neighbors are wondering about my sanity.

What would it look like if you took selfies of your actual life? #therealselfie

-Ashford

Another one bites the dust

As many of you know I have been participating in my own personal version of Survivor: Nanny Edition. It all started in November when our beloved nanny ended up in the ER with emergency open heart surgery. For the past three months my house has had a revolving door of various caregivers. And oh the stories. This has prompted me to develop my own Help Wanted ad based on my recent experiences. Enjoy.

Seeking: Full Time caregiver for our 3 children (5, 3, and 9 months).

Qualifications:
1. You must be proficient in English. To the point that when I say "Paychecks are given on Fridays" your response should not be "I do not understand any of this. What is this paycheck you keep saying."

2. You must be reliable. For example "The check engine light is on in my car and I don't know when I can return." Is not a valid excuse for calling out of work. Via text. At 10 pm the night before you don't show up.

3. You must be able to work a diaper genie: I will even lay it out for you. 1. step on the foot pedal 2. drop diaper in 3. release foot pedal. It is not acceptable to lift the top manually and smash 15 dirty (open) diapers into the 2 inch void over the course of 3 days. If the diaper genie is too challenging it begs the question of whether or not the kids are buckled securely into their carseats.

4.  If you take the children to the playground/park/anywhere it is a requirement that the ones that walk wear shoes.

5. You must feed the baby. Every day. He actually eats lunch every single day- crazy I know. But if you could actually give him the food that I have already laid out and labeled and discussed with you in the morning- that'd be great.

6. If you happen to stop up the toilet just let me know. I realize this may be embarrassing but it's not like I'm not going to notice.

7. Please tell your boyfriend that I do not, in fact, want to be his friend on Facebook. Yes I friended you but that is merely so I can stalk you in your off time. I do not need his pending friend requests every week.

8. Please do not show up in the morning crying about the fight you had with your husband the previous night. I have enough drama in my life. I simply cannot deal with yours. Especially since we have only known each other 2 days.

9. If you're going to call in sick with "complications from the flu" for 3 days please don't simultaneously post pictures of yourself shopping at The Gap and J. Crew. You could also leave out the hike pictures complete with wildflowers that you picked and put in your hair.

10. All of my children eat dinner. Every night. Because the 3 YO told you he "wasn't hungry" is not an acceptable reason for you to not feed him. He's 3. He also will tell you he doesn't "need to go potty" after you've given him 4 sippy cups of juice and will then promptly piss his pants. Let's use some common sense here. Who is the adult?

I'm not asking for too much am I? Please tell me your caregiver horror stories in the comments below.

-Ashford

How to tell if your 3 YO has a concussion

So somehow during dinner tonight DC (3) managed to take a flying leap from his booster seat and landed squarely on his forehead. The poor thing didn’t even have time to put his hands out to break the fall. Immediately a HUGE (like 2.5 inches in diameter) goose egg popped up on his head. Of course, being the hypochondriac that I am I immediately thought he for sure had a concussion. The hubs is working late every night this week and so I am flying solo with all 3 kids. I began to panic.

Naturally, I did what I always do in a crises and called the closest medical professional that I know. My dad. Who, in fact, is a dentist.

“DAD!!!!!!! CAMP JUST BUSTED HIS HEAD ON THE HARDWOOD FLOOR!!!! WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF A CONCUSSION?????”

“Um. I don’t know is he acting weird?”

“HE’S 3!!! YES HE’S ACTING WEIRD!!!! EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WEIRD!!!”

“Sweetie, why don’t you just Google it?”

“AREN’T YOU A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL?! SHOULDN’T YOU KNOW THESE THINGS??”

“Are his teeth ok?”

“WHAT? YES HIS TEETH ARE FINE IT’S HIS HEAD!!!”

“Welllllllll, I’m a dentist so if his teeth are ok I think you should Google ‘Signs of a Concussion’”

“UGH! You are NO HELP!!!”

So then I sat down at the laptop and Googled “SIgns of a Concussion”. This is what I found.

• brief loss of consciousness after the injury

• memory problems

• confusion

• drowsiness or feeling sluggish

• dizziness

• double vision or blurred vision

• headache

• nausea or vomiting

• sensitivity to light or noise

• balance problems

• slowed reaction to stimuli

So let’s break this down.

1. Brief loss of consciousness- Nope didn’t experience that as evidenced by the ear-piercing banshee like screams only muffled by the dense hardwood smashed against his lips
2. Memory loss- This one is a little tricky. How does one measure “Memory Loss” in a 3 YO? I mean we call the kid “Sundowners” because every time he wakes up he demands breakfast. Now this would be normal in the mornings but he also does it after naps. Sometimes I give in and make him eggs for an afternoon snack because I just don’t have the energy to battle it anymore.
3. Confusion- Again a slippery slope. As I was putting him to bed tonight he started crying because he wanted to make his “lego helicofter.” I told him it was time for bed and that we could work on it tomorrow. “NOOOOOOOO,” he screamed. “I DON'T WANT TO DO IT TOMORROW I WANT TO DO IT IN THE MORNING!!!!!” Um….okay. Well, I’m confused at least.
4. Drowsiness or feeling sluggish- This has NEVER been the case with DC. He’s the type of kid that gets amped up when he gets over tired. It’s awesome. Picture running full speed straight into the wall, crashing into it, bouncing back so hard his feet flip over his head in a back roll. He stands up shakes his head and does it again towards the other wall. THIS is the way MY child exhibits exhaustion.
5. Dizziness- See above
6. Nausea or vomiting- Nope not tonight although he does vomit if you look at him cross-eyed on most days. This kid has the weakest stomach of anyone I’ve ever seen. I once reached ninja-level parenting when we were in the middle of a crowded Five Guys and I saw the early stages of a puketastrophe. I quickly grabbed the fry cup, dumped the fries out on the table, and held the cup over his mouth just as he let loose. No one in the restaurant was any the wiser. We simply discreetly discarded the defiled cup and went about the rest of our meal.
7. Sensitivity to light/noise- So I can’t even flush the toilet until he leaves the room because “IT HURTS MY EARRRRRSSSSSS!!!!” How would one measure an increased sensitivity in a case such as this?
8. Balance problems- Really? Under normal circumstances he can’t walk more than 5 steps without tripping over his own feet and plummeting to the ground. 
9. Slowed reaction to stimuli- Well that depends. Is the stimuli the sound of my voice? Particularly when I’m giving some sort of over complicated instruction such as “Hold your pee-pee down or you’ll pee all over the floor?” This versus the sound of my voice saying “You may have 1 piece of candy.” It’s all relative I guess.

I believe that there should be some sort of adjusted toddler concussion scale WebMD. Because this list was simply useless. So I kept him up a little later than usual (regretting every minute of it) and finally put him to bed hoping for the best. I’ll let you know how it turns out in the morning.

-Ashford

The Saturday Morning Post

One Saturday morning on a pretty typical day for us I happened to notice that RJ was following me around with a clipboard drawing things. I didn't think much of it until later when she brought it to me. She handed me a stack of about 4 pages nicely stapled together. 

As she handed it to me she said "Mommy this is a newspaper about our day. I want you to send it out to everyone. Could you write what the pictures are so everyone knows?"

And this is what came out.

Please note that Luna is our middle dog. She had just landed on the losing side of a Cheerio skirmish with our biggest dog that ended in her getting 2 staples in her leg the day before. She was skittish around the kids before the incident and now....

Now generally Mommy doesn't shower in her high heels but I do love that she thinks I'm fancy.

You can tell he's naked because you can see his belly button.

The funniest part of this is that it wasn't even a particularly stressful morning. And that's when it hit me. This is what my life is. For better or worse. At least until we're out of the "3s".

-Ashford