Another one bites the dust

As many of you know I have been participating in my own personal version of Survivor: Nanny Edition. It all started in November when our beloved nanny ended up in the ER with emergency open heart surgery. For the past three months my house has had a revolving door of various caregivers. And oh the stories. This has prompted me to develop my own Help Wanted ad based on my recent experiences. Enjoy.

Seeking: Full Time caregiver for our 3 children (5, 3, and 9 months).

Qualifications:
1. You must be proficient in English. To the point that when I say "Paychecks are given on Fridays" your response should not be "I do not understand any of this. What is this paycheck you keep saying."

2. You must be reliable. For example "The check engine light is on in my car and I don't know when I can return." Is not a valid excuse for calling out of work. Via text. At 10 pm the night before you don't show up.

3. You must be able to work a diaper genie: I will even lay it out for you. 1. step on the foot pedal 2. drop diaper in 3. release foot pedal. It is not acceptable to lift the top manually and smash 15 dirty (open) diapers into the 2 inch void over the course of 3 days. If the diaper genie is too challenging it begs the question of whether or not the kids are buckled securely into their carseats.

4.  If you take the children to the playground/park/anywhere it is a requirement that the ones that walk wear shoes.

5. You must feed the baby. Every day. He actually eats lunch every single day- crazy I know. But if you could actually give him the food that I have already laid out and labeled and discussed with you in the morning- that'd be great.

6. If you happen to stop up the toilet just let me know. I realize this may be embarrassing but it's not like I'm not going to notice.

7. Please tell your boyfriend that I do not, in fact, want to be his friend on Facebook. Yes I friended you but that is merely so I can stalk you in your off time. I do not need his pending friend requests every week.

8. Please do not show up in the morning crying about the fight you had with your husband the previous night. I have enough drama in my life. I simply cannot deal with yours. Especially since we have only known each other 2 days.

9. If you're going to call in sick with "complications from the flu" for 3 days please don't simultaneously post pictures of yourself shopping at The Gap and J. Crew. You could also leave out the hike pictures complete with wildflowers that you picked and put in your hair.

10. All of my children eat dinner. Every night. Because the 3 YO told you he "wasn't hungry" is not an acceptable reason for you to not feed him. He's 3. He also will tell you he doesn't "need to go potty" after you've given him 4 sippy cups of juice and will then promptly piss his pants. Let's use some common sense here. Who is the adult?

I'm not asking for too much am I? Please tell me your caregiver horror stories in the comments below.

-Ashford