A different kind of love letter

It’s been almost four years since you left. I still miss you. I think about you every day. I still yearn to see your smiling face each morning. Sure there have been others. Many others. But all have paled against the memory of you. It always starts out great but little by little their shortcomings are revealed to me. And I realize that you are irreplaceable. 

I don’t think I fully appreciated what I had until you were gone. I have begged and I have pleaded and yet you remain determined to follow your own path. Apart from mine. I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Because that’s all I really ever wanted. You to be happy. You were so young when we met. And I watch you from afar growing, learning, blazing your own trail.

I am grateful for the friendship that we have maintained even if it’s only a few text messages here and there. They still make me laugh. You understand me like few people in the world do. When you were here I never had to worry about anything. I knew I could count on you. You anticipated my every need. And the children loved you. And you loved them. I couldn’t have wished for anything more.

And now you’re gone. And I remain lost after all these years. This desperate need to fill the void that you created the last time you pulled out of my driveway. Both of us were in tears. 

I find myself late at night perusing the internet searching. Searching. Always searching. I read profile after profile and none of them resonate with me. They are all empty.

You have left a void in my life that neither sittercity.com nor care.com could ever hope to fill. And so I end with this.

You are my nanny. My soul. And I miss you gravely. 

-Ashford

If you give a mom a cookie

This post was originally featured on Huffington Post.

Graphic courtesy of Barnhouse Graphics

If you give your mom a cookie...

She’ll probably want to take it into the closet to eat alone. In peace.

When she’s in the closet she’ll notice the overflowing laundry basket and decide to throw a load in.

While loading the washer she’ll realize she needs to empty the dryer vent.

When she goes to the trashcan with the dryer lint she’ll realize it’s trash day.

When she goes outside to take the trash she’ll probably check the mail.

When she goes through the mail she’ll surely find a bill that needs to be paid.

She will want to pay it right away and will go to her purse to get her checkbook.

When she opens her purse, she’ll probably find a sneaker that belongs upstairs.

When she takes the sneaker upstairs she’ll have to walk through the playroom and will notice all the toys have been dumped out on the floor.

As she’s cleaning the playroom she’ll create a trash pile. This will probably remind her that it’s trash day (again) and she needs to get a trash bag out of the garage.

When she goes to get a trash bag out of the garage she’ll remember she needs to get some meat out of the deep freeze for dinner.

When she brings the meat in she’ll realize that she needs to put the rice in the rice cooker.

When she goes to put the rice in the rice cooker she’ll remember that the rice cooker pot is in the sink and needs to be washed.

As she is washing the dishes in the sink she’ll probably remember that she needs to unload the dishwasher.

As she is unloading the dishwasher she will realize she’s out of detergent and needs to get another box from the garage. 

When she’s getting the dishwasher detergent out of the garage she’ll probably see the laundry detergent and remember the load that she meant to start earlier.

As she’s walking through the living room to get back to the laundry room she’ll most definitely see some dog poop on the floor that needs to be picked up.

When she goes into the bathroom to get some toilet paper to pick up the dog poop she’ll notice that there’s no toilet paper and she needs to go to the store to get some more.

When she goes to the store to buy more toilet paper she’ll probably see a box of cookies and realize that she hasn’t eaten all day and will put those in her buggy.

When she gets home with her cookies she’ll probably lock herself in the closet to eat them alone. In peace.

This is probably about the time that Daddy gets home from work.

When she hears the door open she’ll come out to the kitchen to greet him.

When she comes into the kitchen she’ll look around and see a sink full of dishes, dog poop on the floor, no toilet paper, a pile of laundry, a stack of mail with unpaid bills, and toys all over the playroom floor.

Daddy will probably look around at the disarray and ask her “What the hell did you do all day?”

-Ashford

My 5 YO has an extremely long buttcrack and other apologies I won't be making this year

This post was originally featured on Mrsmuffintop.com

I’m sorry I can’t find anyone to watch the kids.

I’m sorry my husband works on Saturdays.

I’m sorry I am traveling for work that week and will already have missed 4 nights with the kids.

I’m sorry we were so loud.

I’m sorry we were so messy.

I’m sorry child 1, 2, or 3 is crying.

I’m sorry we’re late. Again.

I’m sorry I totally forgot.

I’m sorry he spilt his drink for the third time.

I’m sorry I can’t talk- it’s bath night.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond.

I’m sorry the house is a wreck. I was sick this week and well, you know.

I’m sorry I forgot to put batteries in Scout last night I actually fell asleep on the couch.

I’m sorry I accidentally washed a new pair of jeans with your stuffed animals and now they’re all blue.

I’m sorry I forgot to pay the mortgage.

I’m sorry we have 3 kids so our house is a little hectic.

I’m sorry I simply can’t afford to pay $500 to have the dog’s teeth cleaned.

I’m sorry I missed a few doses of his antibiotics.

I’m sorry I forgot you were a vegetarian/kosher/dairy free.

I’m sorry he missed his nap today.

I’m sorry I snapped at you. And you. And you.

Don’t you find yourself apologizing for EVERYTHING?! We are constantly making apologies and allowances for everything and everyone. Well I for one am sick of it and here are 5 apologies I refuse to make this year.

1. I’m sorry my 5 YO has an extremely long buttcrack and it ruined your pictures.

“Your baby has an elongated intragluteal cleft with a divot” the nurse told us in the hospital 5 years ago. Translate: An extremely long buttcrack with a divot. We didn’t think twice about this diagnosis. It meant nothing except we may need to use a few extra wipes on each diaper change. Fast forward 5 years and it means a lot. It means that her buttcrack is always showing. ALWAYS. We don’t really care but it’s all the well-wishers. The careful comments. The “You might think about a belt” and the “Does she need bigger pants?” The texts links to “dapper snappers” All in the name of being helpful. It doesn’t matter how many times I ask her to pull up her pants the truth remains that her buttcrack is longer than any inseam could ever hope to accommodate. And I will not be apologizing for this any longer. 

2. I’m sorry my baby puked on you.

My baby has reflux. Yes I know “He throws up quite a bit”. And yes I’m aware that “It seems like he spits up more than he takes in.” Thank you for your “I’m concerned about K” comments. We have spoken with the pediatrician and we are all well aware of the situation. He is not in pain, he is not malnourished. He just pukes. He is a puker. So if you plan to watch/keep/babysit my child for any length of time please be aware he will most certainly vomit all over you. At least 5 times.

3. I’m sorry we don’t do public school.

My children attend Montessori School. Who knew this subject could be so polarizing?! It starts out innocently enough as an alternative to daycare and ends up with you being cornered at a Christmas party by a state-employed teacher listening to a tirade about the fact that you are personally jeopardizing your kids’ education!! I do not judge those who choose daycare or public school. For me, for my family, this educational model seems to work. And honestly they are 3 and 5 is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of things?

4. I’m sorry I circumsized my boys and vaccinated all my children.

I recently read an exorbitantly violent facebook thread regarding circumcision. I understand that others may share different beliefs. And that’s ok. This was my choice for my family. Don’t even get me started on the vaccination debate that we can barely escape these days. I refuse to engage. My monkeys, my circus. That is all

5. I’m sorry I’m a working mom.

Do I want to stay home with my children? Of course! Do I think it would be better for them? It would have to be.  But I have made the choice between being home with them and providing for them. It’s a choice I reevaluate every single day. I mourn the losses of their first steps, their school projects. But for me it’s not a choice. It’s a necessity. I’m sorry I can’t be “Room Mom” because quite frankly I’ve got all I can handle between the job and the kids. I’m doing good to remember to send their nap mats to school

We are two working parents of three small children. Cut us a break won’t you?

And I agree to reciprocate. To suspend judgement and disappointment. To love you for who you are and what you can accomplish. Not what you should be doing.

We all have our struggles and our failures. But why don’t we all just give each other a little more room. More compassion. More forgiveness. More understanding.

And so this is the only apology you’ll get from me this year:

I’m sorry but this is me.

-Ashford