Nailed it: Parenting Edition

As we got strapped into the car from preschool the other day I took a moment to read yet another "ouch report" for DC (he gets one almost every day). As I was reading RJ timidly calls out from the backseat, "Mommy? Is that the note from Ms Lisa?"


I immediately bristled. RJ has NEVER gotten a note home...Ever. "No honey. Was Ms Lisa going to send a note home today?"


She stared at the floor and sheepishly replied, "She said she was gonna."


My adrenaline began pumping and I could hear the blood beginning to rush in my ears. I tried to remain calm so as not to alert RJ to the impending danger. "Why was she going to send a note home honey?" I tried to sound as natural as I could.


She sunk lower in her carseat and mumbled "Because I was being disrespectful."


And without another word I jumped out of the running car (still parked in car line) and bolted into the front office leaving both kids helplessly strapped into their carseats. (Just for the record the front office was only about 10 feet away from my car and I could see them through the plate glass doors.)


"Did Ms Lisa leave a note for me before she left for the day?" I demanded.


After a few minutes of searching and coming up empty I decided to handle it in the morning. I returned to the car to question RJ the whole way home.


"I don't knowwwwwwwww what I did wrong," she kept protesting.


I will spare you the play by play but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.


"Fine," I said. "Then until you can 'remember' exactly how it was that you were disrespectful to your teacher you will have no TV and no iPad." (She has quite the affinity for watching German and Korean cartoons on YouTube on my iPad.)


Of course this was met with screams of protest and enough tears that I thought we may need life jackets before making it to the house. However, I stood my ground. I refused to be manipulated and that type of behavior (disrespecting your elders) will not be tolerated in my house.


The rest of the evening was quite the battle as DC was allowed to watch TV and RJ was quarantined to the kitchen straining to hear the sounds of the cartoons playing in the den. I continued to question her throughout the evening but each time she was adamant that she "didn't know" what she did wrong.


That's fine I thought. We'll get the real story in the morning.


The next morning I hunted down Ms Lisa in the gym- RJ sheepishly trailing behind me, head hung, staring at the floor.


"Did you need to talk to me about yesterday?" I blurted out to Lisa as soon as I saw her.


She looked at me perplexed and didn't say anything. I could see her eyes searching for an answer.


I relayed what RJ had told me about being disrespectful and busting herself about the note that was supposed to come home.


Without missing a beat Ms Lisa burst out laughing. "No no no!!! That was another child! RJ saw me writing the note and asked about it but she didn't do anything wrong!!"


RJ looked up at us with a timid glimmer of hope in her eyes.


"Sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong yesterday! You are just fine! Now go play with your friends," Ms Lisa encouraged.


And there you have it. Yet another instance of my flawless parenting...you're welcome.

-Ashford

momversation hearts

So its Valentines Day.  I have put one child to bed and the other is ready but laying here watching a movie.  We've been cooped up inside for 3 days thanks to snowpacalypse 2014.  So Ive finally poured a glass of wine.  I kind of wish I could tell my 22 year old self that Valentines really is just another day.  I love Big Daddy and we have an awesome relationship, but we just arent really into Valentines.  We are one of those wierd sappy couples who try to celebrate our love at least weekly.  But I digress and probably make you sick with that.

Sk and I made vday cookies today-so we wouldnt all go stir crazy.  I had bought conversation hearts for her class but desperate times called  for desperate measures.  I let her plaster them all over iced sugar cookies.  (SUGAR OVERLOAD TODAY).  But those tiny little hearts started me thinking......who comes up with the sayings?!?

It led to a conversation with Ashford.  What is those crazy little hearts said what moms across America are thinking as they strive to make the perfect pinterest inspired cards for the classroom exchange.  Wouldnt life be a little more enjoyable if they said, "dont eat boogars" or "stop picking your nose"? Or "no feet on the baby";  "because I said so"; "wipe your own ass"; "use your fork".  Maybe even "are you listening?", "you flushed what?", "you got poop where?", "dont put that in your mouth", "we'll see", or "use your big girl voice".  Of course there is "we're late", "need sleep", BE QUIET!", and "sit still".  The irony is that as i type these, Im realizing that they might actually be appropriate for the kids AND the husband!!

So enjoy the romance this Valentines Day.  Im off to contact Brachs regarding their next big seller for Valentines!!

-Ziggy

So this is 34....

So this is it. The last year I have before I move up to the "35 and over" check box on medical and government forms. So how did I celebrate you ask? Well I started by NOT setting my alarm the night before. Crazy I know. In my defense my birthday was on a Saturday so I knew I could sleep in if only just a little bit...


6:20 AM: "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY I HAVE TO POOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!" the little voice wails out from the foot of my bed.
"Just go in Mommy's bathroom and let me know when you're done," I mumble back thinking this would give me just a few seconds more of sleep.
But the sounds that came next....oh the sounds. I'll spare you the details but it was enough for me to know that I had absolutely no chance of catching another instant of sleep.
I rolled my pregnant belly over and began crawling out of the bed.

SIDENOTE: I have reached the stage of pregnancy where getting out of bed involves all sorts of pushing, pulling, twisting, and grunting. It most always causes shortness of breath and due to a misaligned pelvis is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.

I glance back at my peacefully sleeping husband who is still snoring a little, haul myself onto the floor in an orca-like fashion, take a deep breath and enter the bathroom.


7:30 AM: RJ comes running in with a brightly colored envelope yelling "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!"
I take note that the hubs actually remembered to get a card for the kids to give me this year and am slightly impressed. That is, until I open it.

It only takes me a second to realize that this is a stepmom card (a very sweet one yet still a stepmom card). I thank her and give her a huge hug stifling my laughter. I decide not to mention it to anyone in the family lest I make them feel bad.

7:35 AM: I cook an amazing bacon and eggs breakfast and force the family to sit down for "Family Breakfast." This only lasts about 3 minutes before both kids are whining and crying and we finally release them from the torturous experience that is "Family Breakfast."


9:30 AM: I drop DC off at Daddy's work so that I can take RJ to a gymnastics birthday party. She keeps asking if it is MY birthday party that we are going to. I try to explain to her that I am not having a birthday party and that adults don't always get birthday parties. She is mystified.


12:00 PM: I rendezvous with my parents (who have picked up DC from Daddy's work) at Chick Fil A. Unbeknownst to me my mother has picked up a Boston Cream Cake complete with a singing candle and has brought me a birthday present. They all sing Happy Birthday to me as the rest of the restaurant stares at the 34 year old in the corner having a birthday celebration in Chick Fil A.
 RJ is convinced this is my party.

The rest of the afternoon goes by just like every other Saturday. Hubby still at work, naps, sibling fights, dog poop on the floor, and doing laundry. I realize that this is it. This is my life. And for now, this is the best it's gonna get.
Now that might sound cynical off the cuff but I wouldn't have it any other way. I embrace my chaos. My children and my stories (crazy as they are) are what define me now. I never saw this coming but here I am and I'm in the thick of it.


5:30 PM: The hubs comes home and presents me with another amazing, heartfelt card and a gift.

(Yes, that IS a vacuum. In his defense I did actually ASK for said vacuum and by the time my birthday rolled around I had forgotten I had asked for the vacuum. So I was totally surprised and excited when I opened it!)

I will say that evening I did get a little taste of adult time when the hubs blew me away with a hot date (I am making him an appointment for an MRI because he clearly has a brain tumor but we'll save that for a day that's NOT my birthday).

First of all my present. This is probably now my most prized possession and I can think of nothing that embodies me more. I found this amazing girl on etsy (my new obsession) that can take children's artwork and put it onto jewelry. So I took a picture that RJ drew of me holding her and DC's hands and had it made into a necklace.

[Here's a link to her shop if  you're interested. https://www.etsy.com/listing/150784109/child-artwork-bracelet?ref=sr_gallery_32&ga_search_query=children+artwork+jewelry&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all]


He had also driven down to the restaurant ahead of time and had a card and a bottle of wine waiting at our table when we got there.

Now you're thinking "Why would he have taken a special bottle of wine when you're pregnant and can't drink?"
Well, he has taken up the hobby of "brewing" his own wine (do you brew wine? make wine? I'm not sure what the correct terminology is for this) in our hall closet. Now this is another story for another time but I will give you the tasty little tidbit that now ALL of our winter jackets smell like fermented yeast.
Apparently he has been working on a special batch for months and months (possibly even before we knew I was pregnant) to give to me for my birthday. So although he was the only one that got to partake in the first bottle of "Lauren's Reserve" there are 30 bottles waiting for that glorious day in May when baby #3 makes its way into the world. (And maybe they'll even last me more than just a day.)

-Ashford

 

A letter to my firstborn.

Dear SK,
   Today you will turn 4 years old.  You won't understand much of this letter until you are older but I felt it was important to write.  4 years ago you made your daddy and I parents.  I remember laying in the hospital overwhelmed with emotions-not really knowing what to expect.  It was a long day of waiting.  They broke my water at 6am, but you were in no hurry to enter this world.  Even through your birth you showed us that you would do things your own way and in your own time.  I remember the Dr. checking me close to 7pm and she said, "I think the next time we check you, we will be ready to push"...."things are looking great".  However, when she came back about an hour and a half later, her face changed and I could see that something was wrong.  She asked me repeatedly if I had felt you move.  I politely reminded her that I had had an epidural since noon, I was feeling nothing at the moment.  She looked at the nurses and immediately my thoughts were racing to horrible things.  She asked me again, "did you feel the baby move?"  I not so politely said, "what is wrong-why do you keep asking me that??"  And she replied..."In 14 years of practice, I have never seen this.  I've read about it, but never seen it.  When I checked you last time that baby was head down and in position.  That baby is now breech-the baby has flipped and I just felt that baby's butt."  So the next words were, "we are going to have to do a C-Section" and she followed with, "I will never in my life forget your birth story-I will always remember this stubborn little baby".  And at 10:37pm, the dr. proudly held you up and announced "it's a girl!"  I can remember your daddy's tears and the overwhelming emotions as I suddenly realized he and I had made this tiny little person.

You have challenged us in ways I don't think either one of us ever imagined.  You stopped breathing when you were 2 days old, resulting in a week in the Special Care Nursery.  I remember your daddy very upset and ready to have us home with him.  He loved you in a way I don't think he was prepared for and he still loves you so much.  The truth is, I think he pretty much melts if you look at him just the right way.  For most of the first year of your life, you didn't really grow.  You were under weight and they were very concerned.  We cried lots of tears and we felt like every ounce you gained was like winning the gold medal in the Olympic Decathalon.  Finally at a year, after so many specialists we found out you had a rare severe milk allergy.  And suddenly with the right formula and elimination diet, you flourished.  Now at 4 years old you are as tall as most 7 year olds and you love to eat broccoli, brussel sprouts, and hot dogs. 

You are stubborn.  and truth is, you probably have the worst of both your daddy and I in that regard.  You have your daddy's temper and you do not like to be told "no".  You love the Disney Princesses and you love to color.  You color our world in so many rainbows and our house is covered with your artwork.  You say prayers at dinner and your sweet spirit prays for "baby Landry", "the people of the world" and for "God to live in this world" and I think we must be doing something right.  Every Sunday you make us sit on the front row in church (until you were born we sat in the back) and then you politely wave to us from up front during the childrens sermon.  You love to dress yourself and you hate to wear pants.  And you think we must always wear a bow-whether it matches or not.  You call your daddy "Mr. Pickle Pants" and he loves you so much he lets you paint his nails with marker.  You ask "why" 900 times a day and you do not like to be ignored.  You are honest and we get nervous when you say, "mommy/daddy, I have something to tell you..."  You love to catch fish with your daddy.  You love to cook with mommy.  You have already announced to us that you will be a "gamecock" for college, despite your daddy's attempts to brainwash you into being a part of the "wolfpack" family like him.  And we are all praying for your daddy as you get older, because you are already chasing the boys.....

I'm reminded that in a little over a year, you will enter Kindergarten.  You will go out into the big world and I will have to admit that you are growing up.  I will lose the control that I have tried to keep so much.  I will worry about whether or not you will accidentally drink cow's milk-despite that we have taught you to only drink soy milk.  There will be mean kids who tease you because you are tall or because you don't wear exactly the right thing.  There will be people who claim to be your friends, but will try to get you to do things that you know you aren't supposed to do.  You will do them and ultimately there will be consequences-and we will always love you, despite the fact that we will discipline you.  Our prayer is that we raise you with enough knowledge of the world that your mistakes are not deadly or irreversable.  The world will disappoint you and we as your parents will continually disappoint you.  But you must know that it is because we love you.  We want you to understand and grow up in a world where you aren't given everything you want.  You will have to earn things and work hard for your goals.  But the reward will be high-it's our prayer and hope that you will be successful one day.  We don't care that you may fail a test, a class, or anything-we only ask that you try your best.  We have committed to give you our best each day-even when it's the hardest. job. in. the. world. 

You are our first born.  You are our fire cracker and an independent spirit.  You challenge us daily and there are definitely some days where it is not easy to be your mom and dad.  But we made you and we love you beyond any love we ever thought fathomable.  In 4 years you have made us grow and challenged us in many ways.  You have made us laugh and made us cry.  And this last year, as you got your wish for a baby sister, you have made us proud as you have loved her and helped care for her.  (I'm quite certain there will come a day when you are going to regret that wish coming true :)

This last year has been tough for us all.  But you have been a rock star-we've moved houses, we gave you a sibling, and you lost your Poppy.  I worried a lot about the changes we made around you, but you took them in stride.  You are resilient and you have taught us a lot about accepting change.  You are tender hearted-you understand that we are sad about Poppy but you are wise and surprise us with your ability to know just what to say at the right time.  You are an amazing child and God gave us an awesome gift when we got you.  Happy 4th birthday big girl.  We love you beyond measure!!

Out of my league

It's hour 3 of day 1 and I can feel my resolve waning. I'm beginning to question everything.
How did I end up here? I'm overwhelmed. Am I doing the wrong thing? Did I make the wrong decision? Am I screwing this up? I'm becoming angry at myself for not sticking to my guns and going with what my instinct told me. But I'm past the point of no return. There's no going back now. I have to power through. I swallow the lump in my throat, fight back the tears, and retrieve yet another pair of training pants from the cabinet.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly how I ended up here and I think back to the scene in the airport. It was the week before Thanksgiving and I had to travel to Dallas for the week for a meeting. As is my habit I phoned my mother from the gate to tell her I would be boarding soon. We made small talk for a bit and then she dropped the bomb. It started out innocently enough with a seemingly nice offer.

"Sweetheart, some Saturday we'd like to take RJ for you so you can have the whole day to focus on DC," and then she laid it out. "So you can get him potty trained."

The blood began rushing in my ears blocking out the gate attendant over the loudspeaker. The hair on the back of my neck bristled and adrenaline coursed through my veins as my body went into full scale "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" mode.

"I just don't think he's quite ready yet Mom." I measuredly replied. "Remember we took that quiz in the book YOU bought me which said we should wait a few months?"

"Had I known that quiz was in the book I would have ripped out the page before I gave it to you. You know I was talking to several young mothers at church who have boys his age and they are ALL already potty trained," she matter-of-factly responded.

I'm trying to gauge her but I'm getting mixed signals. Her tone is sing-songy but her words are fierce.

"I just don't think he's quite there yet," I offer. "You know I HAVE done this before with RJ. I'd be happy to take you up on the offer when we DO think it's time." I'm trying to end the conversation at this point and escape with minimal damage.

"Well sweetie," she begins sweetly. "You know the story about that man whose parents didn't teach him to read until he began to show interest? He was 7 years old before he could even read!!! You don't want THAT now do you?"

At this point I lose it. I don't even realize that I have jumped up from my seat and am waving my hand in the air. My voice escalates to an inappropriate level as I retort back. "WELL I'LL PROMISE YOU THIS MOM. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD TO USE THE POTTY BEFORE HE TURNS 7. FURTHERMORE I WILL MAKE YOU A PROMISE THAT HE WILL BE USING THE POTTY BEFORE HE LEARNS TO READ!!!!"

As I whirl around in my anger I see my entire flight is lined up to board merely steps behind me. And there they all stand, mouths agape, staring at me and my outburst. There is nothing left to do but finish my performance at this point. I hold my phone in the air and address the crowd.

"CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!"

Thankfully they let me on the flight despite my erratic behavior but it has been eating at me ever since. Therefore I find myself soaked in pee on our 8th accident in 3 hours despite the fact that I am taking him potty literally ever 15 minutes. I am defeated.

34 Reasons why I'm crying right now

1. One of my acquaintances told me what they are doing for their kids for Christmas (taking them to Disney) and I am imagining how excited their girls are going to be on Christmas morning. (Please keep in mind that I am at work, in an account and this is a client I am talking to.) -A

2. My husband asked me how my day was -Z

3. My husband didn't ask me how my day was -A

4. I fell asleep nursing the baby and burnt a batch of made-from-scratch gourmet Christmas cookies -Z

5. My husband merely gave me an acknowledging head bob from the front porch instead of waving at me when I pulled into the driveway after being out of town -A

6. Publix was out of BOGO cereal and my coupon expires today -Z

7. My GPS just broke and I am in Warner Robins, GA.....how will I find my way home? -A

8. My friend with breast cancer shaved her head this week -A

9. I had lunch with Ziggy (who is a social worker) and inevitably an impromptu therapy session ensued -A

10. I couldn't find NBC on my hotel TV last night and missed Carrie Underwood in the Sound of Music -A

11.My favorite Thai place isn't answering the phone and I can't put in a to go order....and I'm staaaaaaaaaaarving -A

12. My favorite maternity jeans have a hole in the crotch and I can't wear them -Z

13. My baby is 4 months old and I'm still wearing maternity jeans -Z

14. I can't find my black maternity tank top -A

15. My husband just got diagnosed with Bell's Palsy and has lost all muscle control/feeling on half his face -A

16. I spent all weekend being mad at my husband because I thought he was faking being sick -A

17. SK just flooded the bathroom with 2 inches of water -Z

18. I've called 7 Hallmark stores in a one hour radius and every single one of them is sold out of the 2013 Polar Express Commemorative Bell Christmas Ornament -A

19. The pork chops I made for dinner taste like I put arsenic in them -Z

20. I just got to the mall, got both kids dressed in their Christmas attire and dragged them to the Santa line only to be told that Santa is going on an hour and a half break to feed his reindeer -A

19. My husband (trying to be funny) hid my breakfast bar this morning -Z

20. The live nativity scene got rained out AGAIN -A

21. I am supposed to make cake balls for work tomorrow and all I want to do is sleep -Z

22. My friend just went for her first OB appointment and found out that she miscarried -A

23. I just opened the icing I was going to use to make cake balls for my work and it's rotten -Z

24. They found cancerous cells on a mole on my friend's 2 year old -A

25. Holiday time is here and it's the first Christmas without my dad-Z

26. My 4 month old has the same allergy her sister did and wakes up in the middle of the night 4 times due to horrid gas. -Z

27. My mother just called and told me a friend's newborn passed away yesterday -A

28. My husband "sleeps" upstairs to avoid the crying 4 month old in the middle of the night. -Z

29. When we got back to the Santa line after his HOUR AND A HALF BREAK there were 35 people in line causing a 2 HOUR WAIT -A

30.  My husband felt bad about hiding the breakfast bar, so he put surprise muffins in my car at work to make up for it. -Z

31.  I just spilled breast milk all over the kitchen counter and floor -Z

32. It's Christmas Eve, we are leaving for my sister's house in 2 hours and hubby just called me from the family doctor to tell me he has the flu -A

33. I am now in the car alone with both kids driving to Charlotte to my sister's house to celebrate Christmas while hubby is sick in bed at home -A

34. It's day 4 of hubs having the flu and he still has fever (which means he cannot touch or be near the kids). I'm starting to lose my cool. -A

Is it for YOU?

Angry.
 No furious.
 Enraged, seeing red.
Let's start by saying I'm the one who finds humor in everything. I'm the one who lets things roll off her back. I'm in sales for pete's sake. I DO NOT take things personally. But enough is e-freaking-nough. Each day I am astounded by the lack of common courtesy of human kind. As if this life growing inside of me negates the fact that I am a human being and gives complete strangers the right to say and do whatever they want to me.

So this is for you- random lady in the gas station that reaches out to rub my ever-growing belly. And you- the lab tech at the doctor's office who raises your eyebrows when I step onto the scale. And even you- the well-meaning acquaintance who asks "How much longer?" and then mimes a fainting spell when I reply "5 months". It's for every single person who has asked "Is it twins?" and then "Are you sure?" when I smile and politely reply "no". It's for the RN from my insurance company who calls to check in on me and asks every time how much weight I have gained. It's for the business associates who ask me how far along I am and then when they think I'm not paying attention whisper amongst themselves cutting sidelong glances at my swollen belly. It's especially for you- who predicted "It's a girl...they say girls steal your beauty." And even you- who asked me if my granola was gluten free (IT'S FREAKING GRANOLA!!! NOT A CHEESECAKE!!)

CUT IT OUT!!!!

Not only is it none of your business but it's hurtful. No maybe your one comment wasn't so offensive but add it to a full day's barrage of unwanted comments and it's just enough to tip me over the edge. Not to mention the fact that my hormones are raging to the point that I can't even tell right from wrong anymore. Which probably should scare you more than just a little bit....You who raised your eyebrow as I reach for a cookie (after eating a salad at lunch).

Maybe I am just a tad more sensitive now than at other times in my life (as is EVERY pregnant woman) but shouldn't that cause us to collectively act more compassionately? I am not the crazy one here. It's all of you who think your opinion is wanted/needed/acceptable. You- who have never even met me before. You-who know me but have never had a conversation with me outside of work. You- who I grew up with and have known my whole life (especially you....you should know better).

So on behalf of all pregnant women out there the next time you see one of us and think you have something clever to say. Just keep your mouth shut. I am telling you right now it's not clever and we have heard it before. If you must ask a question smile politely when we answer (and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT raise your eyebrows). Ask before you reach out to molest our bellies with your nosy, boundary-challenged hands. Remember that we are still people and it hurts our feelings when you say things like "Wow, you're huge". (For the record that is NEVER an appropriate thing to say to or about someone, pregnant or no.) Also, please make an effort to look at our eyes when we speak...not just our bellies.

That is all. Thank you.

Now to climb down off this soap box without bowling over my ridiculously large belly....Could I get a hand from any of you?

-Ashford