Saturday, September 6, 2014

How to get through a lice outbreak in 24 easy steps

I mentioned a few posts back that we had dealt with a lice outbreak. Since then I have received an influx of texts and personal messages saying "HELP!! We have lice!! What do we do?!" So I've  decided to embrace my newfound title of Lice Guru and put together a step-by-step "how to" for all of you.

So you found your first louse on your little darling’s head. Resist the urge to immediately burn down your house and swallow the vomit that just made its way into your mouth. It's ok. This is totally doable. 

1. Here's your shopping list:
      - Lice shampoo (we used Nix)  
      - Nit comb - DO NOT use the one that comes in the "kit" these are crap. Buy an additional comb.
      - Disposable rubber gloves (if you're squeamish)
      - Metal alligator clips
      - Detangler spray
      - Bubble bath
      - Plastic trash bags
      - Tea tree oil
      - Head lamp
      - A cupcake (from one of those high end fancy cupcake places)
      - 2-3 bottles of your favorite wine

2. Leave the kids with hubby, or grandparents, or a sitter and go shopping

3. When you return home lay all your goods out on the counter. Take a deep breath. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Say to yourself "We will get through this". Drink the wine.

4. Now start with the bedding. Everything (pillows, blankets, stuffed animals) must be washed and/or dried (on high for at least 20 min). It's the heat from the dryer that actually kills these little bastards so stick the big stuff in the dryer and start the first load of laundry. You will probably do at least 7 loads today so buckle up.

5. Pour yourself another glass of wine.

6. Bag up everything the quarantined child has touched in the last 48 hours. Yes 48 hours. Most of your house will now be in trash bags for the next 36 hours. I hope you bought 2 boxes.

7. Run the bath. Put extra bubbles in because darling daughter will be required to let the shampoo sit for at least 10 minutes which is an ETERNITY. 

8. Put 5-7 drops of Tea Tree oil in every bottle of shampoo in the house. You will all smell like that aisle at Earth Fare but it repels lice so suck it up. You’ll get used to the smell in time.

9. Explain to your child that “You have bugs in your head and Mommy has to get them out.” Flash the cupcake and explain that “If we can get through this I’ll give you this cupcake.”

10. Have another wine of glass

11. Massage the lice shampoo into your child’s hair. You may use the rubber gloves if you find yourself gagging again. Tie her hair up on her head in a bun and let her play in the bubbles for 10 (time it) minutes. Take this time to check/switch the laundry and finish your drink.

12. Shampoo the rinse and bubble the drains.

13. Set up a chair in front of your favorite Disney moobie. Put the lamp on your head.

14. Using the alligator lips and bubber rands separate your child’s sections into hair.

15. Open the next bobble of wine. Floor a glass. 

16. Using the metal tit comb, comb through all the hair starting at the scalp. Take a moment to reflect on the term “nitpicking” and realize you will never again be able to utter this word without conjuring this image.

17. Put another load of laundry in the dishwasher.

18. Why is your glass empty??? Frill it up again. 

19. When you’re done combing give your cupcake the kid.

20. Make the bed being careful of the shitted feet. Those damn things are squirrelly.

21. At this point gorfet the glass. Grab the bobble. You donwanna have to flush too mamy dishes anyway.

22. Put the lid bo ted.

23. Fimish the bobble.

24. When chubby gets home ask him to head your check. Relapse as he gently homes through your fair. That’s niiiiiiiiice.



Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The straw that broke the arrow.....

So several weeks ago, I accomplished one of my not so great parenting moments.  I've talked about the stress levels in our house lately and SK has a really bad habit of picking stickers off of toys or taking her sister's baby toys.  It was one evening after work and Big Daddy was still at work.  I was trying to cook dinner, do dishes, feed the baby, and somehow manage to watch SK.  I had told her repeatedly to leave her sister's toys alone. She especially has a bad habit of peeling the decorative stickers off of her sisters toys.  I heard her small voice call out..."Mommy?  I accidentally did something bad." (which is never really an accident)
I went over to the couch and she had peeled off the stickers of one of her sisters toys...AGAIN.  Maybe it was exhaustion or maybe temporary insanity, but in my split second decision of ineedtoteachheralessonrightnow.....I scanned the room for one of her toys to try and prove a point.  I scanned the floor and there was an arrow to her princess bow and arrow.  Quickly, I say to myself, "I can bend that and show her how it feels to have people mess up her things".  Now keep in mine, I was thinking I'll bend it to show her and then bend it back.  And of course this entire conversation is happening in maybe 3 seconds flat in my head.  I grab the arrow.  I hold it up in front of her and I bend it while saying to her, "do you like it when I mess up your stuff??"  Sheer terror comes across her face followed by a blood curdling scream...."YOU BENT MY PRINCESS ARROW AND I'LL NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN...." Tears are streaming down her face and she's screaming screams that I'm sure the neighbors in the other culdesac can hear.  I ask her firmly, "how do you like it when I mess with your toys?  Do you like it???"  She's still screaming and yelling saying "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING AND THAT WAS FOR MY BIRTHDAY...NOT YOURS".  I again explain it is not nice to mess with other peoples toys and explain that we don't like it when she peels stickers off of our things.  I finally calm her down and realize that in my rage, I managed to not just bend the plastic, my friends, I broke it in half.  &#$ what am I going to do??  Of course she realizes that in fact I broke it, not bent it....again come the screams and wails of a dramatic 4 year old.  So I scramble to find the scissors, cut the sharp edges, grab some packing tape...a few cuts here and there, and voila...the arrow is in one piece again.  I proudly show it to her saying, "see, mommy fixed it!" and she replies, "mommy you are so broke my arrow and it's never the same ever again".  I tried my best to explain the lesson of how it felt for her when I broke her things and how it's not nice to do that to her sisters toys.  Eventually she did in fact, calm down...but I was left alone in my mom guilt feeling like I was the worst mom in the world for breaking the arrow because lets face it...she will never forget this day.  But the good news is that since then, she hasn't peeled any stickers off any toys.

If you look closely, you can see my tape to correct the broken arrow.