Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Race

You know how you wake up and some days it's like you just can't get it right?  Well today was that day for me.  I was wide awake at 4am pondering the bizarre things one ponders at 4am..."if I make chili in the crockpot should I have Big Daddy cut it off before he goes to work?", "Did SK brush her teeth before she went to bed?", or "how come no one told me it was possible to be so totally in love with your husband but wish that some days he would just take a long freakin hike?"  And so began my messy day. I got up, made the coffee...before that was done the baby is screaming bloody murder at 5:30 wanting to eat.  I drag myself up there...feed her, while checking facebook, the news, and I might even glance at a quick devotional-and I mean quick.  Back downstairs to shower, get dressed, dry the hair.  By that point SK is up standing in front of me sobbing and tears pouring.  "what's wrong?"  Between sobs she says, "I miss Poppy (my dad)".  I say, "oh honey we all do!  But Poppy doesn't hurt anymore...he's having a party in heaven."  After more tears, we all take a deep sigh now ready to begin the day.  Except, Big Daddy is sweeping the kitchen while we all listen to Jake Owens "what we ain't got".  Now he and I are even more depressed.  We just celebrated 8 years married and it seems more like we are in a rat race than a loving committed relationship.  "you take the girls to practice, I'll cook dinner" or "since you're working Saturday, we need a sitter" or "did you buy more diapers"...these are the conversations we have resorted to of late.  It's a far cry from that moment you say I do in front of God and all those witnesses-or how Hollywood portrays marriage.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything on earth.  But it's like we are somewhere in a valley-stuck in a rut that we just can't get out of.  Like quick sand...we're fighting to stay afloat between schedules, work frustrations, and the kids.  Most days I just feel defeated.  We have lots of discussions about how a lot of people are worse off than us-we have friends dealing with things a lot worse off than us.  But it doesn't change how we feel in these moments.

By this point, I'm headed out the door as he is feeding the girls breakfast and playing chase.  And can I just say, why does he get to be the "fun" parent??  I'm always doing the boring mundane things and he's doing the exciting ones.  I get in the car and driving down the interstate and listening to sappy love songs wishing for that spark...that new love high you get when you first met him.  My mind was wondering thinking about all our friends and how I feel like they all have these happy marriages.  I finally get to work and walk in-turns out the ladies in the office were having a soup lunch today and I wasn't invited.  Suddenly, the tears start falling.  I'm texting A saying, "I'm totally sobbing because I didn't get invited to lunch".  She replies she is sobbing "because of an extra dance practice."  We are so done for the day and it wasn't even 8:30am.  It wasn't really about a silly office was driven by a desire to be wanted.  Don't get me wrong, as I've said, I know my husband and I love each other deeply, but every day is not glorious-that's for sure.  Out of desperation, I called a friend and said, "I'm having a really bad day".  Of course, apparently most everyone around me was today.  She replied, "yep, me too."  But she went on to say,"whats wrong?"  I said, "SK was crying about my dad this morning, I didn't get invited to lunch, and we just celebrated 8 years and I feel like we are struggling more in our marriage than ever-it's just sooo hard to juggle it all!"  And her response has brought me to a halt today.  This wise friend who has been married 25 years and has 3 almost grown children said: "Honey, it's hard work.  But it's not a's a marathon.  Pace yourself and keep working at it".  and there it was.   I was so wrapped up trying to keep up my sprint that I lost sight of the prize-We love each other deeply and are committed to each other for a lifetime-through the so called race injuries, the miles when you have to push yourself beyond your mental breakdowns, and the celebration of accomplishment when you finish the race.   So tonight there will be a deep conversation about how we can better train for our marathon and focus on each other in the midst of the madness.


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