Friday, March 13, 2015

My 5 YO has an extremely long buttcrack and other apologies I won't be making this year

This post was originally featured on Mrsmuffintop.com


I’m sorry I can’t find anyone to watch the kids.
I’m sorry my husband works on Saturdays.
I’m sorry I am traveling for work that week and will already have missed 4 nights with the kids.
I’m sorry we were so loud.
I’m sorry we were so messy.
I’m sorry child 1, 2, or 3 is crying.
I’m sorry we’re late. Again.
I’m sorry I totally forgot.
I’m sorry he spilt his drink for the third time.
I’m sorry I can’t talk- it’s bath night.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond.
I’m sorry the house is a wreck. I was sick this week and well, you know.
I’m sorry I forgot to put batteries in Scout last night I actually fell asleep on the couch.
I’m sorry I accidentally washed a new pair of jeans with your stuffed animals and now they’re all blue.
I’m sorry I forgot to pay the mortgage.
I’m sorry we have 3 kids so our house is a little hectic.
I’m sorry I simply can’t afford to pay $500 to have the dog’s teeth cleaned.
I’m sorry I missed a few doses of his antibiotics.
I’m sorry I forgot you were a vegetarian/kosher/dairy free.
I’m sorry he missed his nap today.
I’m sorry I snapped at you. And you. And you.

Don’t you find yourself apologizing for EVERYTHING?! We are constantly making apologies and allowances for everything and everyone. Well I for one am sick of it and here are 5 apologies I refuse to make this year.

1. I’m sorry my 5 YO has an extremely long buttcrack and it ruined your pictures.

“Your baby has an elongated intragluteal cleft with a divot” the nurse told us in the hospital 5 years ago. Translate: An extremely long buttcrack with a divot. We didn’t think twice about this diagnosis. It meant nothing except we may need to use a few extra wipes on each diaper change. Fast forward 5 years and it means a lot. It means that her buttcrack is always showing. ALWAYS. We don’t really care but it’s all the well-wishers. The careful comments. The “You might think about a belt” and the “Does she need bigger pants?” The texts links to “dapper snappers” All in the name of being helpful. It doesn’t matter how many times I ask her to pull up her pants the truth remains that her buttcrack is longer than any inseam could ever hope to accommodate. And I will not be apologizing for this any longer. 

2. I’m sorry my baby puked on you.

My baby has reflux. Yes I know “He throws up quite a bit”. And yes I’m aware that “It seems like he spits up more than he takes in.” Thank you for your “I’m concerned about K” comments. We have spoken with the pediatrician and we are all well aware of the situation. He is not in pain, he is not malnourished. He just pukes. He is a puker. So if you plan to watch/keep/babysit my child for any length of time please be aware he will most certainly vomit all over you. At least 5 times.

3. I’m sorry we don’t do public school.

My children attend Montessori School. Who knew this subject could be so polarizing?! It starts out innocently enough as an alternative to daycare and ends up with you being cornered at a Christmas party by a state-employed teacher listening to a tirade about the fact that you are personally jeopardizing your kids’ education!! I do not judge those who choose daycare or public school. For me, for my family, this educational model seems to work. And honestly they are 3 and 5 is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of things?

4. I’m sorry I circumsized my boys and vaccinated all my children.

I recently read an exorbitantly violent facebook thread regarding circumcision. I understand that others may share different beliefs. And that’s ok. This was my choice for my family. Don’t even get me started on the vaccination debate that we can barely escape these days. I refuse to engage. My monkeys, my circus. That is all

5. I’m sorry I’m a working mom.

Do I want to stay home with my children? Of course! Do I think it would be better for them? It would have to be.  But I have made the choice between being home with them and providing for them. It’s a choice I reevaluate every single day. I mourn the losses of their first steps, their school projects. But for me it’s not a choice. It’s a necessity. I’m sorry I can’t be “Room Mom” because quite frankly I’ve got all I can handle between the job and the kids. I’m doing good to remember to send their nap mats to school


We are two working parents of three small children. Cut us a break won’t you?

And I agree to reciprocate. To suspend judgement and disappointment. To love you for who you are and what you can accomplish. Not what you should be doing.

We all have our struggles and our failures. But why don’t we all just give each other a little more room. More compassion. More forgiveness. More understanding.

And so this is the only apology you’ll get from me this year:


I’m sorry but this is me.

-Ashford

1 comment:

  1. Ass sex with your daughter would be amazing

    ReplyDelete