Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Good Riddance.

Good Riddance.  That's the phrase I'm saying to 2013 (and the mouse in my mothers house but that's another days post).  As New Years Day is quickly approaching, I've found myself reflecting on the past year tonight.  2013 had some really great blessings for our family.  We sold our home and received a cash offer-against our agents initial reservations to list the home.  We were able to negotiate our new house and close literally hours before it entered foreclosure-truly an act of God according to our real estate agent and attorney.  And most importantly, we welcomed to the world our second beautiful daughter who has changed our world for the better.  I can not imagine life without her now.  Big Daddy was off work for 5 weeks and ironically we did not kill each other and remained happily married-in fact I think our marriage is stronger because of it.

But so much of 2013 is tied up in my mind and heart in a dark place.  Last January, my parents came to visit for our oldest daughters 3rd birthday.  We have an amazing picture of my dad and her moments before they left to return home. 
At that time, I had no idea it was the last picture I would have of them together.  My fathers health rapidly declined and as most know, he died at home on June 8.  I talked to my mom almost daily from January until his death-and still do currently.  So many times I would say, I'm going to come home and she would say it wasn't necessary.  I was pregnant and saving my leave time for the baby.  And all indications were that he would in fact get better.  Ultimately, he never did-he got worse and I in my own selfish ways did not come home until he was literally at deaths door.  As I've blogged about, he gave us a gift the day before by being lucid and being able to communicate with us.  But I've been left with a lot of regrets.  A lot of "what ifs"...what if I would have come home and insisted on talking to drs as I said I would do so many times...what if I would have been there before he stopped really communicating with anyone and could have said the things I wanted to really say....I don't think the outcome would have changed ultimately, but I think my grief would have been a little easier.  I would have been more prepared and I would have dealt with my emotions before it was too late, instead of living in denial.  As a social worker, we talk about denial a lot with our clients.  It's a powerful thing and I'm quite certain that it's pretty much been my best friend for the last year.  So for me, saying goodbye to 2013 is about new beginnings.  It's about making a choice to stop hiding behind my denial and emotions and deal with my grief head on.  It's about enjoying each moment, instead of just coasting through each day and trying to get to the next morning without being an emotional wreck.  It's also about being able to say to those around me, that contrary to popular belief I am not always in control and fine.  Two days ago-the day after Christmas, SK came to me in tears.  Her words-"I miss Poppy and I want to call him".  I sat down, took a deep breath and said, "we can't call him, he's in heaven-we talk to him in our prayers." With that answer her tears flowed more and she wept saying to me, "BUT I MISS POPPY".  My heart was literally ripping out of my chest as she went on to say, "ITS NOT FAIR!"  "HE'S MY POPPY-JESUS NEEDS TO GIVE HIM BACK".  Through tears, I said, "we all miss Poppy but he's not in any pain anymore."  She quietly said, "you're sad everyday?"  and I said, "I'm sad a lot-we all are, but he's in our hearts just like Jesus".  and her next response, "Why did Jesus take Poppy?"  I literally could feel myself sweating at the same time I had chills.  She was saying OUTLOUD all of my feelings that I've carried around for months.  It was like she was pushing me to face these feelings and thoughts and move on.  And I literally felt my. heart. shattering.

So I'm saying good riddance 2013-we had some good moments, but I'm ready to leave the bad in the past.  I'm ready for new beginnings.  A healthier me and in turn, I can be a healthier wife and mom.  I have spent so much time over the last 6 months just praying I don't fall apart if someone asks me how I am, or praying no one mentions their dad in my presence. I'm ready to get back to working out to help me feel better and of course lose this baby weight.  I'm ready to feel happy again instead of just going through the motions.  And in an indirect way, I'm ready to make my daddy proud and Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.  (his marine corps mentality would be proud).   So good riddance 2013-Cheers to 2014 and new beginnings and finding happiness. 


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