Monday, December 30, 2013

Top 3 Christmas Gifts 2013

1. Baby Alive
    A special thanks goes out to my sister (who has two boys and vicariously experiences the joys of having a daughter through me) for this little bundle of joy. If you haven't seen this it can most easily be found on the Target aisle labeled "Biggest Mistakes and Future Regrets". This thing opens its wide eyes and yells "MOMMY I'M HUNGRY" about every 23 seconds. At which point RJ, who is 4 and isn't qualified to do much alone, tries to mix the tiny pouches of powdered "baby food" with exactly 3 teaspoons of water. Inevitably this has led to artificial green pea smears on my white bath mats and orange goo dripping down the side of my sink. Throughout the feeding GingerBread House (as RJ fondly named her) will suddenly shake her head back and forth refusing the food and spitting it out saying "NO MORE MOMMY!" As soon as we begin to clean up the food she will then giggle and say "Just kidding Mommy, I'm hungry!" This provokes screams of frustration from RJ who then will run to me complaining "I just fed her and she said she was done and now she wants to eat again. AAAAAAGH!! I JUST CAN'T TRUST HER ANYMORE"
   As per the instructions after each feeding we must force feed an entire bottle of water into the doll by squeezing her tiny pink bottle to get the liquid out. As it would happen RJ doesn't quite have enough hand strength to squeeze the hard plastic bottle so this becomes my job. Shortly after Ginger will inform us  "I'M STINKY MOMMY!" And again I am forced to intervene as RJ has yet to master this skills of diapering a baby. Although, in her defense, this thing is quite difficult to diaper and it takes me at least 10 minutes to complete the task because of her stiff plastic non-moving/bending appendages.
   Once a day we must also "flush" the doll by stripping her down, holding her over the potty at a 45 degree angle and forcing another bottle of water through her system while she drains all the leftover goo from the days feedings into the potty. This too is a task for yours truly.
   Oh and as an added bonus I now have to purchase Baby Alive brand baby food and diapers for the newest addition.
   My husband says that as a special thanks for this incredibly life-like doll we will be fedexing one of our dogs to my nephews in Missouri (preferably the aging one who suffers from incontinence, has an autoimmune disorder that requires a human prescription for an immunosuppressant [READ: $$$$], and barks without ceasing from 5:30 am until 10pm.)"You're welcome boys!!"

2. The Rainbow Loom
   Nothing will jolt you out of bed at 5:30 am faster than hearing the ear-piercing scream of your 4 year old saying "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!" As I fling myself out of the bed (please bear in mind I am 5 months pregnant and not quite so agile anymore) I bang my knee on the dresser and catch my toe on the doorframe. The pain is blinding but I know I must rescue her. I make it to the stairs as her wailing continues. I clamber up the stairs taking 2 and 3 at a time but losing my balance and end up half jumping half crawling on all fours. As I round the landing I struggle to see through my sleep blurred eyes what tragedy has befallen her. I can't make out any blood at first but there is some kind of apparatus she is clutching to her chest. As I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and reach the last stair I realize it's her rainbow loom and through the sobs I make out the words "I [sniff] can't [sniff sniff] make [sniff] the looooooooops [wailing now] pleeeeeeease hellllllllllp meeeeeeeeee." And thus I find myself at 5:30 am surrounded by the tiny multicolored rubberbands trying to manipulate a crochet hook to make a rubber band bracelet.

3. Xbox One/ Call of Duty combo pack
   I've heard of "golf widows" but I have sadly (at the young age of 33) become a "COD widow". Every spare moment the hubs has he sneaks into our bedroom (which he has converted into a cave), dons his Turtle Beach wireless/Bluetooth/rechargeable/noisecanceling/overpriced headphones, and plugs in.
   I should be used to this though. It happens every November for the last 7 years when the new COD game is released into stores. I have begun to put the release date on my calendar in anticipation of my foray into single parenting. It also happens every time the "new maps are released" whatever that means. I spend weeks, sometimes months, alone with calls of "FIRE IN THE HOLE" echoing down the stairs.
   However this year it's not just a new game. Its a new game AND a new console which has allowed him to sink his teeth into this obsession with a vengeance. He has hooked it up in the bedroom as our gameroom is currently being remodeled into a room for baby #3. I will say the headphones are a nice upgrade as I no longer have to listen to the screams of dying men as they are bombed. And with a 2 YO, 4 YO and a baby on the way I am far too exhausted to feel lonely or neglected. So here I am curled up in my bed (hubs in his gaming chair on the floor at the foot of the bed) trying to sleep amidst the flash of machine gun fire and the blinding light of the airstrike.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.


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